I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
