I CAN MOONWALK!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
