During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
