I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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