Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
