dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
