Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
