I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
