I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
