I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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