Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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