This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
