you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
