I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
