my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
