conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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