yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
