Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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