Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
