i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
