If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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