paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
