I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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