he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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