Apparently you make a good broom.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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