i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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