I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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