Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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