at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
