last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
