listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
