your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
