My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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