you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
