This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
