There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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