This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
