And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
