I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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