Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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