I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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