and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
