ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
