I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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