Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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