five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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