I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't put those talents on a resume
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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