Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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