Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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