i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
