I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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